I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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