you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize