i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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