Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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