plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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