If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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