i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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