i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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