Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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