I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
