you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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