ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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