Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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