I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
