just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
