fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
