seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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