How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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