Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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