If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
