I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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