So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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