There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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