fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
