I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
