I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
