Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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