I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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