better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
