i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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