I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
