Don't make out with my wife yet
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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