Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize