You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
