Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize