I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
