kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
