he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
