Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
