my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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