I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
