Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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