she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
