my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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