yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fuck appropriateness.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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