Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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