Fine. I'll sleep in my office
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize