Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
