what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize