I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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