pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
