made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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