I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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