i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
