If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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