Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just cropdusted the office
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
