wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
