You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize