after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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