I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
