nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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